There are so many things I wouldn’t know if it weren’t for you television, and as such, I dedicate this blog post to you. To honour the many lessons I’ve learned all from watching you….
1. If you feel like something scary or dangerous is about to happen, always go explore it alone, and never arm yourself with a weapon.
2. Doctors must always be wearing a stethoscope, unless they are a lead or recurring character. This reassures the audience that they are in fact doctors, because just saying so, isn’t enough
3. Grocery stores only use plain brown paper bags, and people only buy crusty bread and leafy greens when they’re shopping.
4. Big guys can have hot wives and girlfriends, but this only works one way. Sorry ladies.
5. When you really need to find something, like a clue to a murder, the best thing to do is search with the lights off and only use a pocket flashlight.
6. Guns never run out of ammo.
7. If you see a man on Cops who isn’t wearing a shirt, he’s about to be arrested.
8. When you finally find the person you’re trying to capture or kill, never sneak up on them. Always yell “Hey” or “Stop,” to give them a chance to run. The element of surprise is unfair.
9. If you are being bullied, or get pressured to fight your enemy, always seek out the ethnic janitor or handyman of your school or apartment building. It’s common knowledge that these men were actually masters in martial arts and boxing in their homeland. But, obviously they gave up the fame and glory to pursue their dreams of being a janitor or handyman here in North America.
10. Even if you’ve only had a couple weeks training, as long as you were taught by the aforementioned janitor, you will win the fight against the seasoned boxer/ martial artist that challenged you.
11. Making a 30 foot jump with your car will not damage it, provided there is a mound of dirt or some wooden planks to leverage the jump with.
12. You can leave work in the middle of the day and never have to worry about it being noticed by your colleagues.
13. You will always survive the jump out of a building provided you aim for the garbage dumpster. And don’t worry, the dumpster will never house any broken glass, sharp metal objects or diseased ridden animals.
14. No matter where you might be going, particularly in major cities like New York and L.A., you will always find a parking spot right in front of your destination.
15. You and your 4-5 closest friends will always get the same table at your favorite bar, restaurant or coffee shop, no matter how busy of a night it may be.
16. It doesn’t matter if you’re a student or working a low-income job, a large flat in a city like New York is still within your financial means. So is all the furniture from Pottery Barn that outfits your pad.
17. The ventilation system of any building is an excellent hiding place and means to get around. No one will ever look for you there, and you can travel to any part of the building with ease.
18. When driving down a perfectly straight road, you still must turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments
19. Whenever a computer is needed, everyone can type really fast without looking at the keys and without using a spacebar.
20. It’s good to have one ethnic friend in your circle of friends, but never more then one. (disclaimer: before you accuse me of being racist, think about who the real racist is here…. Television.)